Because the nominations for the Academy Awards have been announced, and, in keeping with tradition, are garbage, I present to you my own Academy Awards for the films of 2013.
Film Least Likely To Embarrass The Academy If Given Major Awards Even Though They Are Probably Going To Fuck Up And Give Best Picture To American Hustle
12 Years A Slave
Best Achievement In Mustache Design
Best Feature-Length PR Release
Saving Mr. Banks
Film Most Likely To Be Sold As Part Of A DVD Combo Pack By The End Of The Decade
Honorary David Cronenberg Award For Special Achievement In People Having Sex With Technology
Would Have Won Best Picture With Some Slight Rebranding
David O. Russell Presents Blue Is The Warmest Colour
Special Achievement In Making A Giant Robot Movie That Wasn’t Shitty
Guillermo Del Toro (Pacific Rim)
Best Movie Starring Amy Adams
Best Performance By Meryl Streep
Jennifer Lawrence (American Hustle)
Best Feature Length Music Video
Best Live Action Short
The First Ten Minutes Of Gravity
Movie I Will Most Likely Watch The First Five Minutes Of, Then Decide “Fuck It, I’m Going To Bed” If I’m Drunk And It’s On Netflix
That One With Judi Dench In It
Honorary Chris Marker Award For Performance By A Cat
All of them, because they are all so cute and wonderful
Achievement In Graphic Design For Making Me Want To See An Alexander Payne Movie
Whoever Made The Poster For Nebraska
Movie I’m Least Looking Forward To Seeing Again If Nietzsche’s Concept Of Eternal Return Proved True
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I was hoping for a subtle, romance. The gay just hits you like a brick with this one.
Just a reminder for anyone planning on watching the Oscars: This is an organization that is very open in their conviction that there has been a year in human history when the greatest work of art set to film by any human anywhere in the world was Shakespeare In Love.
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those girl’s armpits are way more hairy than Jean-Pierre Léaud’s
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Listening to Connery speak, I can hear where Chicago gets its accent
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Why people think that groove crap from the 70’s is good, I will never know.
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I know this movie was about “girl power” but for me - it was more about “DUMB-AS-A-STUMP” power.
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I was prompted to see this after I got an email parody
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I wanted to know more about the supposed “bad guy”. But his character was very vague other than slicing off limbs and singing karaoke.
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